Breaking News - Attempted Hijack

August - 1300 hrs - Surigao Airport, Philippines

It was reported today that a half crazed business traveller attempted to hijack scheduled flight from Surigao to Manila using a travel iron he had concealed in his hand luggage.

During the flight he apparently managed to reach into his hand luggage (that was under the seat in front as it was too large to fit into the minute overhead locker that were half the standard hand luggage sized lockers) and retrieve the small, but deadly travel iron.  This amazing feat of dexterity was performed by the 6' 1" traveller who was contorted into a seat with the leg room designed for a midget.

Upon grabbing the iron he then looked in vain for somewhere to plug it in. Of course being a tiny propeller driven plane there was no such facility and hence his diabolical plan was partially thwarted.

Standing in the aisle, he shouted, "I've and iron and I'm not afraid to use it", which he clearly was judging from the crumpled nature of his clothing - or that might have been as a result of being forced to sit in a seat designed for a battery hen.

Passengers were clearly amused by the threat and creased up laughing.  A trolly-dolly tried was steaming mad as she couldn't get her trolly with overpriced drinks and crisp past him but the hijacker was determined to press ahead ahead with his plan.

"Fly me to Manila", he yelled, brandishing the iron.  "But we're going to Manila", the cabin crew said.  "Good", he said, "because that's where I want to go".

Because the scanner wasn't working at Surigao Airport today I had my hand luggage searched and was told I couldn't hand carry it because I had a travel iron in it.  Yes: a tiny travel iron.

I know there are those that will think that using a travel iron is a bit naff but turning up for business meetings looking all crumpled really isn't very professional.  And if you're thinking I should use the hotel facilities then you clearly have no idea of what the hotels are like where I stay in rural Philippines.

I asked the security guard why I couldn't take it on the aeroplane. She said, in all seriousness, "You might use it to hijack the plane". I mean this is in Mindanao, kidnap central, where they can't stop foreigners being taken for ransom so if they were really interested in security and making travellers feels safe, perhaps they could start there?

"You're joking", I said.  "Do you really think I'm going to hijack a tiny propeller plane with an iron?" 

"It's a blunt instrument", she said.  "But so is my camera and my laptop, which is much bigger and heavier", I replied.  I remember at the time wishing I hadn't said this as I could see my laptop and camera being confiscated.  I also pointed out that it had been okay to hand carry it coming to Surigao, so why not going back to Manila?

She was clearly flummoxed by this reply and so she looked at her supervisor for inspiration who was Jabba the Hut in size and squeezed into a tiny plastic chair that looked as though it was going to collapse, and who clearly thought that the airport security screening area was her own personal crèche as she had what I assumed to be her kids running around and climbing all over her (plenty to climb on - she was like a human  activity playground). She barely managed to look up, looked at the iron and just shook her head. That was it then. Banned from carrying the iron unless I checked it in and so bang went my idea of a quick getaway from Manila airport and instead would have to wait at the carousel for my bag containing "dangerous" goods.

This trip didn't start off well either.  I had to leave Subic at 3:00am to make it to Manila airport for the 7:15am flight.  But despite leaving at what was considered a reasonable time I still didn't make it.  I'd like to be able to say it was due to a flood but it wasn't a flood, it was a puddle. One of the many underpasses along the EDSA (the main road running north-south through Manila) had a big puddle in it. Really, it was no more than that. But no one was taking any chances to drive through it. No sir-eee. Not even the many 4x4 vehicles on the road. Hence there was 4 lanes of traffic all squeezing into one lane and driving through the shallowest part of the puddle at 2 miles per hour so as not to get their tyres wet, resulting in a horrendous tail back for miles and me missing my flight.  It's the first time I've ever missed a flight.

Fortunately, there was a later flight with another airline so I managed to get a seat with them, but hell, they make you pay for it. For a single 2 hour trip I paid more than a return ticket to Singapore (3½ hours each way). Then it was delayed for over an hour. We were on the bus, off the bus, waiting on the bus taking us to the aeroplane.  Total confusing and no one seemed to have any idea what was going on.  All they could say was it was "technical difficulties".  What does that mean exactly?  It's a totally worthless phrase.  Like "It's company policy" or "I'm not authorised to answer/approve/resolve this issue" (so why are you speaking to me?).

I have to go back again soon.  I'm really not looking forward to it. Still, should I be kidnapped I can always threaten the bandits with my travel iron.  That'll show them.